Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
