I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
