either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
