I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I just found puke in my bra..
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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