today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
I did not marry a roomba.
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