Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
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