Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
