oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
