i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
