if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
