I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I'm getting married
To pizza
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
