I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
