I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I yelled at your uterus for you.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
