Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
