New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
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