'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
