maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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