I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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