How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
