Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
