Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Randomize
