What tipped you off? The sombrero?
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
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