Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
