im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Randomize
