i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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