When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
