Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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