I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Randomize
