Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
