He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
