And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
