and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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