I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
