No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
