if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Randomize
