She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
