Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Randomize
