Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
