Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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