dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
