I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Randomize
