can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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