My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
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