If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
