I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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