Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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