I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
