I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
