i don't plan on having that self control this summer
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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