Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
