and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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